I’ve been immersing myself in all things Lin Manuel Miranda since I got home and I have all this new inspiration but what prompted me to write this is I just watched a speech given by Daveed Diggs at the university he graduated from and it made me remember that I am living my life out of order. I always seem to feel like I’m not doing enough - or anything, to be honest. I have felt like a failure, like a lost puppy who can’t seem to find her bearing anywhere. So many things I’ve tried haven’t “worked out.” That’s a complicated phrase. Is it failure or learning? Listening to Lin and Daveed talk about their journeys I am reminded that I have been living my life almost backwards. I spent my youth navigating the dangerous waters of my family and my teens and twenties watching all my parental figures die and taking care of grany, a master class of difficulty and legacy and lunacy. Then in therapy I discovered that not everyone’s life is like this, that there is a better way. So I started to study. I didn’t realize how long the road would be. I started to take more leaps of faith and for the better part of a decade had very little to show for them. Listening to Lin and Daveed describe their first decade of pursuing their passions made me feel better. These last two years I have felt like a caterpillar in a chrysalis which sounds poetic but feels like goo and mess and death. Daveed spoke of rebirths in his speech and I am reminded of how I should have died when I got sepsis but for the sliver of a chance that I happened to be living with roommates who happened to find me in time - I didn’t die. I got another chance. Then the world as we knew it died. The pandemic hit and breathing was no longer safe so I locked myself away and kept myself safe but my soul died little by little. I enrolled in the online ordination course, desperately planting the seed that I hoped would help me find my way out again, and I struggled. I went to the hospital again, for the second time in two years and lost my gallbladder and broke a 44 year record of no surgeries, and found out that pain meds don’t work very well on me post-op. It took at least two months to recover from that. I wrote the final project for my class, bought my plane ticket to London and bought a box of KN95 masks, terrified of the virus but determined to go to my graduation. And I did. And I traveled, and it was hard and exhausting and my body almost couldn’t keep up but there were sweet moments with friends and some great Instagram pictures and I finally made it home, where my life was patiently waiting for me. I had lost my previous dwelling, having gotten a last minute eviction notice and packed as fast as I could to get everything in storage in time. All that was waiting for me when I returned. I started to watch more Lin Manuel Miranda interviews. I reached out about places to live on Craigslist. I went to a really nice farm in Grass Valley that looked great on paper but the owner was a terrible fit for me. I was disappointed. I had a place in Auburn lined up that sounded nice but the owner told me that there was someone before me who had expressed interest in it. I was disappointed. I have had so many terrible living situations I despaired of where I would land this time. I found an adorable RV park outside of Colfax with a tiny motel room that would do, and the Auburn lady said I was first on her list. The wind shifted. Now I had two good places to pick from! I went with the Auburn house and it has been wonderful. I have been watching everything I can get my hands on from Lin Manuel Miranda and his work and his worldview are seeping into my pores. I am inspired again. I have energy again. And I remember that I have already done some of the hardest work I will (likely/hopefully) ever have to do. I’m living my life backwards. Yes I’m 44 but I’m like a new college grad, just discovering how my passion fits into the world. Maybe I can make something of this life after all.
