Reflections on my first solo trip

It’s officially less than a week to launch!  I am so ready, so excited!  I was thinking about the first time I travelled somewhere completely alone.  I went to go see a friend graduate from basic training at Ft. Benning in Columbus, GA.  I was around 25-ish.  I was working at an answering service that was terrible about leave so when they denied my request, which I knew they would, I just said too bad, I’ve already bought the plane ticket, I’m going.  (Before you judge, this was also the company that didn’t want me to go to either of two funerals that happened that year.  Of course I went.  They just categorically denied everything.  Oddly enough, they never fired me.  Go figure) 

So I got to the airport, very excited and a little nervous, got in the line and was asked to please step out of line and follow the agent because I had been flagged for a random security check.  They took me into a room and asked me to dump my bag out onto the table.  Once they had inspected all my stuff they informed me I could now repack my bag.  Great.  So I did, and graciously exited the room and got on the plane.  I had a layover in Atlanta to get on a little puddle jumper to Columbus.  Between flights, I was once again asked to step out of line and follow the agent.  They did their thing (I can’t even remember what anymore, since I had checked my bag) and I got on the next flight.  I thought, well, at least that’s over.  I got to Columbus, retrieved my bag and found my hotel.  I got to my room and settled in and it hit me: wow, I’ve never had a place all to myself before!  (This was before I moved out a few years later, I was still living with my grandmother.)  I just sat there and looked around the room.  It felt so good! I loved the peace and the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  I wrote some in my journal and settled in for bed.  

The next morning, I got up nice and early because I still had to figure out how to get on post.  I found a taxi driver and he took me.  Those of you who know me really well will laugh at this part: I was an hour early!  I don’t take chances in those situations, I wasn’t going to miss that graduation even if I had to wait an hour.  It was really cool though, because in the distance I could hear the soldiers going through their drills and singing their cadences. They looked like a line of ants from so far away.  It was quite surreal, like a frozen moment in time.  Soon enough, the ceremony started. If you ever get a chance to see a military graduation, take it.  They are very impressive!  After what seemed like hours, they finally released the soldiers to their families and friends.  We took photos with drill sergeants and friends and after awhile escaped.  We took a taxi to downtown Columbus, which is gorgeous.  My friend said the first thing he wanted to do was go to Applebee’s and eat a huge meal and get a blondie for dessert.  He said he had been dreaming about that dessert all through his basic training.  So we did.  We walked around downtown Columbus and took pictures, chatted, and had a great time.  He looked so good in his Class A uniform!  All too soon it was time for him to return to training, so we said our goodbyes and I watched them line up.  That was a pretty intense moment.  There was one soldier kissing his girl in the parking lot a little too long; I bet he got in trouble for that later!  

I went back to my hotel room, packed up and got ready to leave.  I was one of the best trips I have ever taken, not because of the location, but because it was a game changer for our friendship, something we would always share, and proof that I could find my way around a new city all by myself.  That was very empowering. I was looking forward to the flight home, so I went to the airport and got in the line.  When it was my turn to get scanned, a nice agent asked me to please come with him.  I thought, oh no.  I’m flagged all the way back too?  Yep, you guessed it.  I got the privilege of dumping my bag, watching as they inspected my belongings, and the additional honor of repacking my bag after they had rifled through it.  Sigh.  I’m not mad, I know they were just doing their jobs, but it does make kind of a funny story!  Aside from getting checked at every point, the ride home was uneventful and I returned to my answering service job.  

In my short time travelling so far, I have found that some of the least expected journeys provide the most life changing experiences.  This was certainly the case with my Ft. Benning visit.  

Horse Therapy

At least a year ago, I read an article on equine therapy in an Oprah magazine.  It was so fascinating, I decided I wanted to try it someday.  I did some looking around but I didn’t find anything in Sacramento so I just put my desire out to the universe and figured I’d find it when it was time.  Interestingly enough, it was the migraines that forced me onto psychology.com to look for a therapist.  I was doing anything and everything I could think of to ease the pain.  In my search, I found a provider that offered equine therapy!  I couldn’t believe it!  So I sent an inquiry and soon began to experience my dream come true, working with horses on an emotional and spiritual level, not just riding them (although that’s fun too).    I have been going about once a week for about a month now, and it is everything I had hoped for.  

I meet with two therapists who work as a team, out in an arena with (I think) eight horses.  They are smaller than the trail horses I have ridden, although not ponies.  The first day I walked into the arena most of the horses immediately came over to check me out.  Just standing there and petting them and seeing all their different personalities was so cool!  I burst into tears of gratitude.  In the weeks that have followed, the therapists usually have an exercise for me like setting up barrels in a certain configuration and walking the horses in patterns.  It’s kind of like a live biofeedback program.  Horses sense energy, and they are too big for me to move by force, so I have to learn how to communicate with them to convince them to do what I am asking for.  To do that, I have to reach down inside and pay attention to what I am feeling.  And they all respond differently.  I was doing really well with one horse who is pretty easygoing and seems to like verbal praise.  Then the therapists upped the ante and put me with a stubborn horse.  This horse wasn’t interested in sweet talk, he wanted a leader.  So we didn’t budge until I figured out how to exude leadership with my energy, not my words.  Through all this, the therapists are asking me questions and learning about my background and zeroing in on my emotional issues.  They are quite good at their job and observe and point out things that I would never have thought of.  I am going to get in as many sessions as I can before I leave for Bali.  

For those of you who don’t know, I am a big advocate for therapy.  We get physical checkups all the time but rarely do we go inside our heads to see what’s ticking.  I have found that many of my health issues are psychosomatic, or caused by stress, and once I resolve whatever is going on in my head, my health improves dramatically.  Of course eating right and exercising and all that are vitally important, but I think mental health is as well.  So I am very open about the fact that when I don’t feel right, I get help from someone who is objective and can point out my mental blind spots.  And in case you were wondering, therapy is covered by most major medical insurance programs, so it’s not even expensive.  You can pay a co-pay just like you would if you were going to the doctor.  If you have any questions or comments I would love to hear them!  

Perspective

This week was Thanksgiving.  Of course this brings up all that we are thankful for.  But why are we thankful?  I have found that perspective plays a big role in how we view things.  A few years ago, I was up all night with an excruciating toothache.  I was to get a root canal in a day or so but in the meantime my head was on fire.  So at 3am I got up, crying from pain and frustration, put on my coat and set out for a 24 hour Rite Aid.  This was in December and it was extremely cold for Sacramento.  I got in the car and drove out of the parking garage to the street entrance when I saw something in the visitor parking.  It was a bundle of blankets, a person sleeping there in the bitter cold.  At that moment I had an epiphany: I may be in pain but I am going to drive in my nice car to a 24 hour store, buy all the toothache remedies I can find with my money that I have plenty of, drive back home to my nice house and crawl under the covers, safe and warm.  And in a day or two I will get a root canal which I can afford to pay for, and everything will be fine.  And this person has to sleep in the bitter cold in a parking garage.  Perspective.  

Change

I have great news!!  The condo is sold!  The paperwork is signed and the keys are handed over.  Yay!  That was a big hurdle to get over.  Also, while working with various health specialists I have managed to get my headaches down to about 10% of the pain and it only lasts short periods.  So I am extremely relieved to be out of the majority of my pain.  I didn’t appreciate being pain free until I wasn’t.  Now I am thankful every moment I don’t have a headache.  Perspective is pretty amazing.  So now what?  I still have a few more logistics to sort out before I can really and truly launch into whatever it is I am going to do next.  I have some ideas but nothing really solid yet.  I am looking forward to find out so I can tell you and start the next leg of my adventure!  

In the meantime I am finding inspiration right here in Sacramento.  The fall leaves are a reminder that change and even death are a natural part of the cycle and that nothing ever goes away completely, just like the leaves that are turning will fall to the ground and become part of the tree once again.  Everything we experience becomes part of our life.  So when things are confusing or not going our way, sometimes we need to let ideas or circumstances “die” in our lives so that they may be transformed into the next season for us. But the path isn’t always straight.  Sometimes it takes us to unexpected places.  If you can keep the faith and an open mind, you might discover something even better than what you were looking for.  

Should We Cry Over Spilled Milk?

I don’t know about you, but I quit crying (for the most part) a long time ago.  It seems not the proper thing to do in our society.  What do we do when children cry?  Get them to stop.  I know I’m not the only child who heard ”if you don’t stop crying I’m going to give you something to cry about!”  (Admittedly, not the healthiest or most supportive of responses.  I come from the era where parents took their children into public restrooms to spank them).  Later as a teenager, my outbursts were frowned upon and I was told that I was being unreasonable and overreacting.  And in martial arts, you don’t show weakness or pain, and crying?  Out of the question.  You. just. don’t.  As a single woman who lives alone I don’t bother to cry because who would hear me?  And it doesn’t change anything.  Or so I thought.  As I have been suffering these migraines, I have discovered an interesting thing.  I have been trying to get more in touch with my emotions, which are buried so deep I don’t even know where to begin to look for them.  In that process I have been allowing myself to cry.  And there have been a couple of instances where the crying has actually reduced the pain a little bit.  When I tell this to my well adjusted friends who know me they laugh and say of course!  That’s the point of crying!  But you have to understand how foreign this is to me.  Even though I am grudgingly accepting the idea that crying is healthy, it’s hard for me to do it.  And it’s been so long I fear I will burst.    

A good update: I haven't had a real migraine since Tuesday which is such a relief!  Still having some headaches but it appears that the work I am doing with the various healers I am working with is making a difference.  I am hopeful that it will get better and better!  

I would love to hear your reactions and/or thoughts on how you handle pain or grief.  

What lies between the question and the answer?

Have you ever faced a change or project so huge you can’t even begin to imagine how you will get through it?  Or a circumstance that seems impossible, you can’t imagine what lies on the other side?  How do you cope?  How do you deal with fear and uncertainty?  

Here’s what I do.  Focus on the step in front of you.  You don’t need to know the final answer, just do what you can now to take one step closer to your goal.  If your goal is eating healthier, replace one unhealthy food with one healthy food per week.  If your goal is to clean up the house, clear one small space and maintain it.  When you are able to successfully maintain that space, clear one more small space and maintain both spaces, and so on.  If your goal is to network for a better job or grow your business, connect with one new contact at a time.  Put your intentions out there and nourish them, but also be patient.  There is a space between the question and the answer.  This is where faith lies.  Don’t stop working, but do allow the fruits of your labor time to grow.  

Sometimes in between the question and the answer, especially where there is fear or suffering, it is hard to keep faith.  I don’t mean faith in God necessarily, although it can be if that’s what you believe.  I refer to faith as the knowing that the answer will come as long as you keep searching for it.  And the patience to be calm while you are waiting.  

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." 

-Confucius

Unexpected Changes

I’m back in Sacramento again, taking a break from my road trip and trying to get this condo wrapped up.  It’s taking longer than I originally hoped but we are making progress.  Real estate has changed since the last time I bought and sold.  It’s much more complicated now after the events of the last few years.  So I moved back into my condo for the time being.  No furniture, just my luggage and my trusty air mattress.  It’s strange to be back in the place I thought I would never see again.  Not bad, just strange.  And I hadn’t planned on being here in winter so I had to go to my storage unit and dig out a few of my winter clothes!  But I am taking advantage of the stability and familiarity that I lacked when road tripping.  I have noticed a shift in my thinking.  Before, I would get stressed out if I didn’t have a plan and know (or think I knew) what was going to happen.  Now I find that trying to plan stresses me out because of all the unknowns.  Until I wrap up the condo, I don’t know where I am going to go because things change quickly.  Where I might go today might be different than where I will go a month or two from now.  And some of the places I am interested in have not responded to my communications.  In the meantime, some new opportunities have arisen that I did not expect.  It’s constantly changing.  So I will wait until the time is right to make the decision.  In my travels, talking to various folk, I have gotten some new ideas as well.  We shall see if those are still feasible when the time comes.  Until then, I will enjoy Sacramento and take advantage of my extended time here.